Time

Today I'm feeling tired and in pain, my neck hurts cause I slept on it crooked 

Just spend the last 10 days in a clinic and desperately need to get out in the sunlight- I'm supposed to go hiking today with Làureń- then check out CoSM 

I met a lady in here who offered me connections to get work as a timeshares salesman. I'm highly thinking about it- it'd be working down in Orlando.

I'm going to have to ask God what's should do- and listen for him and trust him to guide me 

Petra - Prayer (Music Video)

Acn

I've decided to commit to ACN - it's an opportunity to reach a level of $ and personal growth I've not attained yet- my goal is to become an ETT by end October and to have 10 customers 

One

One day I'm gonna die, and I question if I achieved what my dreams lead me to desire 

Abortion

I just had a thought-

"What would the world be like of mom had aborted me?"

Mom got pregnant with me from a guy she was dating/hooked up with. My siblings told me she asked them if they thought she should have an abortion, apparently they told her not to. Hence I exist. I wonder what consciousness is without life? Would I have gone to heaven? To nothingness? To rebirth? Or just to something else.  I suppose I will never know. Makes me think if I've ever gotten a sex partner pregnant and she aborted it, what would my half creation be? What would become of little Chi or Chis-Bella? 

 It's a hard thing to think about and a real reality- would I desire a random partner to get an abortion? Now the answer in my mind is yes, for I am too unstable and immature. I know I will be a great father God willing, though I do not want that now, no, not now-  am I wrong? Perhaps- I'm a very selfish person and partially sociopathic ~  so say online tests. 

God forgive me, and rectify my iniquities, heal me from my sin...  

That is my thought 

Dead bulbs and dead kids

I'm in the cloisters in upper manhattan with Terese my current GF. She's a park manager, she's going through the parks tonight mapping dead lights that have burnt out or people have broken- to do illegal acts of drug dealing or blow jobin' ;) 

 We're walking along I'm learning what poison ivy looks like- 3 leaves - 

I'm burping quite a bit too 

Hack Manhattan

I'm at Hack Manhattan the hacker space - a nice group of techies who help build projects - currently a guy named Justin Is helping me install Linux on a HP Mini I got for free --- yay

On a bus

I'm on a bus now and this chick sitting next to me stinks! She smells like seaweed rotting on a beach, I don't know if its her mouth or her butt and in no means care to find out :( 

- I had a damn fraud charge on my debit card last night for $204 at a Walgreens in Lodi Nj, which means that most likely one of the damn shitbags from this study I'm doing stole my CC info and tried to use it- I'm a little mad~ 

On a bus

I'm on a bus now and this chick sitting next to me stinks! She smells like seaweed rotting on a beach, I don't know if its her mouth or her butt and in no means care to find out :( 

- I had a damn fraud charge on my debit card last night for $204 at a Walgreens in Lodi Nj, which means that most likely one of the damn shitbags from this study I'm doing stole my CC info and tried to use it- I'm a little mad~ 

Vital breathing passing out

Vital breathing syncope

So I was standing in the bathroom peeing in a urinal with No shirt on looking at my reflection in the mirror thinking of Wolverine. I decided to vital breathe like Tony Robbins teaches 5 seconds inhale, hold for 20, exhale 10. Only I Inhaled very deep and held very full chested- so much in fact I felt myself blacking out. My body started tingling and I knew I was going to pass out, so I exhaled early and willed myself not to pass out at the pisser. Woulda lead to a whole mess of pain and peeing on myself. My entire body went on fire with tingles and it was Awesome and I felt that I had to run to my phone and write this cause its rad. Now I may listen to music and go to sleep. 

Dream well reader ~ Dream well

Christ and my Life

I'm thinking about Christ and life now and see that in me there are inconsistent flaws from myself~ 

  How can I focus my focus on Jesus instead of myself~ 

That's a life lesson from 10 years past I know it's smart to dwell on... David when he was in despair cried out to God and focused on The Lord and The Lord answered his calls.  

I think ill watch some YouTube, drink some water, and practice a speech, then maybe read some bible ~ 

:D

Background work

So today I'm doing extra / background work on a movie set-  Phillip Seymour Hoffman is in it (he's unhealthily fat btw) & it's directed by roger from Madman. I'm sitting around all day reading my Dark Tower book  IV -  just had a good lunch and now I feel sleepy and mad  - mad at this stupid Philippino girl who's friends with Leon.  She's rude and analytical and a bitch - stupid asshole girl! I'm most likely as of now not camping with that camp anymore. 

In Thompson park listening to music

It's 11 at night - muggiest night of the year - I'm in the park sitting 3 benches down from a couple with a big boom box belting out ballad soul music and I'm absolutely loving it-  I'm meeting a gal don okcupid and her dog-for a "doggie date" lol

A rat just ran under my feet and I can't tell if Mosquitos are biting me of if its sweat dripping- 

I feel like I have to fart but I'm holding it in cause I ate lots of veggies today and it could be dangerous- :D 

Holding in gas or poops is never good  - our city needs to have public toilets every few blocks- for homeless and urgent goers alike. 

It's part of my Non-Profit I want to establish, just a matter of time

Adventure Time

I'm listening to Adventure time songs on my iTunes -  I want to go have adventures and I feel like I'm not...  Dang reality you suck! 

Homeless guy on train

I'm on a train back to Ny-  I just got into a fight with a friend and I'm feeling down and self  pitiful which is never a good state to be in.

This black guy who smells like booze limps over and sits by me, we start talking and he tells me a bit of his story- I realize that we aren't very different, we're both people in hard times, and truth be told his seem rougher- though I don't know him at all the little I heard his may be more severe than mine- 

Anyway he ends up chastising me and yelling at me- he makes sense in some of what he says and this makes me think more - about my life and living. 

He said that I must have a big brain and am capable of much but am an idiot now. Maybe he is right-  

I'm having such a time making a decision and sticking with it- 

Then there's this guy giving a handful of change to the conductor to get to NY and its not even enough- but the conductor seems to be nice and allows it. Now I have a $20 in my wallet, I could give it to this guy, and I'm judging him thinking he'll go and spend it on alcohol and I think I don't wanna give it to him- but who am I too judge- who am I?  I'm feeling convicted and maybe, maybe I will give him the money and say have a good night. 

I'm sure he hates being judged and looked down on all the time, and why can't I just love him like my God loves me- how can I? I can hug him and tell him that I love him~  I can... 

When it comes down to it I'm a person just like him, just like you, I'm someone who can love and hate and give and receive. I acknowledge this God I call Jesus and the God is Love and says the greatest things are love. No more pity party tonight, time to share some love 

Mustache

Why do some women keep a mustache?  It leaves me wondering how they don't notice the extreme peach fuzz darkening the pallor of their upper lips?  It's quite unattractive and rather annoying...  Pluck or tweeze, shave or wax.  If ye have the coin for it, laser it away- though for God sakes don't have a hair on your lip. 

I'm tired today and feel like a nice early sleep which shan't happen this eve'

EMT refresher day

I'm in the 2nd full day if EMT refresher at Springfield first aid squad and I like it here. It's a very chill vibe and nice place and I do love learning information about emergency medical care. I intend on getting my license back and working emergency maybe NYFD in the city-  I don't want to get back into transport- I want to save people's lives or at least help them so I feel as though I have purpose - 

Life feels more full when I'm living it for others~  

Pea stench

I'm on a bus right now to Springfield Nj to do an Emt refresher course- the last that sat next to me on the bus smells like peas - I want to vomit on her- I hate that smell, she's equivalent to throw up during a French kiss - ewww

Bathroom thought

I'm sitting in a bathroom now at Barnes & Noble- looking at people and talking to them makes me happy - just spoke with this autistic/retarded fellow who made a quite silly loud noise in the sink while washing his face and drinking water- he responded to my question of what are you doing with "I'm drinking water. I think I should drink water every day" I said- absolutely you should - you should drink at lease 2 liters for your body weight and size everyday- he asked why and I shared with him it flushes out our system and moves all our fluids around to make our bodies healthier - he thanked me- made some funny noises again then left. He came in a few minutes later, let me know he drank 8 cups of water, then stood in front of the urinal pulled his pants and underwear down and peed a fierce pee- lol

I said good job buddy- 

Today on the hunt

I finished Bartending school Friday and now I have to go get a job doing it. My plan was to wake up and walk around the east village all day, thus far that has not happened. Instead I've been working I making my résumé into a Bartender resume which is rather hard and watched the last episode of Game of Thrones. I feel rather like shit today and feel and emptiness in my heart. I need to pray and listen to Jesus 

Tired night and gonna pass out kinda day!

I feel extremely tired today - I stayed up all night, played a board game night, then met a great girl and we talked for a few hours, then I headed to Astoria to go to my brothers and the guy actually turned me away, I told him in texts and in person that I didnt sleep and he said they didnt feel Comfortable with me sleeping there while they were at work! What kind of bullshit is that, a brother who turns another brother out is low, a scummy sack of shit if you ask me. I'm mad and this makes me want to get the fuck out of NY. Why am I here anyway? I can barely keep my head up. I need rest. I'm still in between houses and dont have anywhere to live now, its really making me mad and sad. I want to just figure out what the fuck to do and do it. I hate this waiting indecisive phase. I really want to lay down right now. And to top it off its fucking freezing. If it were warm out I could go sleep outside but its rainy adn cold and doing that is not possible.

Writing and Seeking direction today!

(I learned from This girl Ashlie, the value of listening)

when we were at that middle eastern place and you she me I didnt listen well before and it was something I'm improving and had to work on.

Now when I Listen to people I look intheir eyes, or imagine doing so and think in my head "Shut the fuck up Mike, (and say to the person), I Love you" all silent in my head...

today

todays been a Very Fun day