I feel a little upset today

My heart and passion are for adventure. I want Love and I want Adventure. I am not happy in my life right now, I want a wife- I'm sad that a girl I went out with a few days ago doesn't seem to be responding to me-
I'm sad my school and money promises fell through

I'm a scared person, I don't like being this way- I want to be someone tough and a leader- however I am not being this. I'm being the kind of man who whines and gets depressed and doesn't produce any good fruits.

Please just pray for me and love me

I need a purpose that fills me with joy and drives me. I feel so very empty and don't want to live like this....

I need to be following and being a friend with Jesus, the best way I've felt that in my life is in adventures/travels....

Pray and engage me- give me something to do- tasks to accomplish... I seem tone good at accomplishing those - small term things, but don't seem to fulfill my goals or long term accomplishments and hopes...

I don't know if Satan is just lying to me and I'm believing it or if I'm doing it all to myself....

The more I think the less I seem to know... I'm sock of thinking and not acting.... I'm totally a heater and not a doer--- this is wrong- I need to be a doer and finisher, an authentic person, not a fearful coward like I so often feel......


I need to take on responsibility for me- not always look for and hope in someone else to pull me out of my miseries. Damn this imperfection of my mind that drags me to dispair. I want love, not just half hearted looks or thoughs- I'm sick of being someone who's insincere I want to be a man who expresses love and makes people feel good, I want to make others feels and see love and genuineness and Jesus in my life.

I am far too much like the world, a sinner, a false christian, a wolf, a embittered closed off jerk. This is not me- but it's this thing of falseness, a fake pile of vomit I've become - that is not mike antonucci' - that's sin and sadness growing in the old self. The old self my old self didn't even like.

I need to be a God pleaser - a man who serves Jesus, who loves children, who teaches and hugs, I need to be Jesus focused first and foremost, not women focused or money focused or business focused. I need to be the man God made me to be, a fighter, a helper, a friend, a love giver.... An awake person, not a lazy sleeper.

I desire to be with God on the Go- not in routine that I build who I am around- at least I don't think so. I am an artist, a creator, a joy filled me.... I am mikey, moms little lamb,

I miss my mama, still really hurts me that she's gone, I lost her, I lost part of my love, part of my purpose, a best friend and someone. I've always feared being alone. When I lost my mom I lost security of always having someone- at least someone I could have - someone I could cry on- could call, could hug and hold and touch. I lost my breath of love I had.

It's been years, and I'm still
missing.... I'm missing her in my life. It hurts me and tightens right in my belly, below my belly button- deep inside the place where it buries itself. I feel pain and my eyes squint and water up. My brain even hurts. My mouth tightens a little and my face feels it too....
I miss her and she's never coming back~

I have social skills to an extent, I meet many people and I love that, I just can't imagine how lonely it must feel for people whom are shy. I think, don't know but think they must hurt so much. I see people and want to love them but so often don't. I want to hug them and look em in the eyes and say I Love You.

Why am I afraid? I don't enjoy this fear - makes me feel rejected and bad, I don't want that fear that story I place on myself. It does not help my life.
I have no one and nothing to fear because the maker of me and you and existance loves and wants me. So why does that truth feel so jaded and false even unproven sometimes? Why does God become a word and pattern to me? God is God, not my imagination, not a made up tale, God is a force who works in life and beyond so the bible says.

What happened that made me go from being loved and loving to growing into the man I am today? How can this man of me be a man of Love and not worry or pretense? I think that it entails not thinking so much and going, just going and letting Jesus tell me how. Tell me what to do as I do, not by me figuring it all out because my plan- my ways- my anything never works, never pans out, never happens in ways I build it too.

Ok I will stop rambaling now- feels really good sometimes to write and express, not when I have to but when it feels right too.

This is some of me, there's much more.... I invite and enroll anyone who wishes to too get to know me more, to be part of my life and share me in yours.
To use me for your benefit and help me have more purpose....

I love you~ and want you to love me...!

I feel a little upset today

2 days ago I met this girl, Suprise suprise. not like that's something new for me, but this one was very different from the rest, She was a nerd, and sexy, cool, fun nerd. Just 2 days ago. I passed her a note in a coffee shop in Chauanga and she wrote me. We went out 2 nights ago. It was amazing, We talked, connected, went to an 8 year olds party, danced, ate sushi, walked around the streets, I completely enjoyed her. We were supposed to go to the beach today; However whether It's a story I'm making up in my head or reality, I don't think she's coming. Her one message to me on Facebook yesterday was that she had a meeting with a top Exec. of amazing race and she's off to Indian to do something in social media. I mean, WOW~ ! that's amazing for her, and in that sense I'm totally happy and in awe and support of her, to chase adventure and Go where God opens doors is what needs to be done.

I just wish I were going to, wish I had an adventure buddy finally, a wife, a lover, someone to pursue the world with and achieve our goals together. So, be it a story I'm making up or the way it will be, I have a foreboding feeling that I will not get to see her today, that makes me sad. I prayed for this girl the night before I saw her, and without knowing who she was, what she did, or anything about her. Was compelled to give her a note to make her smile, and to give fate a chance at finding that Love I so hurtingly want.

I want to be happy, I am not happy in my life, changing that, no Transforming that needs to be something I do, something I take responsibility for, - Her favorite author is Paulo Coehlo, he wrote the Alchemist, she loves things I do, and perhaps I began thinking about her too much and God is taking her away, the way he does when things become idols, I don't know. I was thinking of the song "blessed be your name" and the Lord gives and takes away, this could be another of those.

Am I weird for feeling this way? maybe, but that's ok cause it's true, authentic.

I'm going to go shower now. then go to the beach with my church, then maybe go out dancing tonight, not sure yet. I just wish I had a partner.... Maybe some day I will