Mike Antonucci
4-17-02
Freelance writing
The weekend started off lousy, I missed all my morning classes, and to top it off, I'd just had a bad evaluation from three of my theater teachers, one teacher actually told me that I wasn't wanted, and to pretty much leave this school. Needless to say, I was sad, for the first time in a very long time, I left the evaluation went off by myself and cried. And I mean cried, tears were pouring down my face, and I felt a feeling of hurt inside me. I was sad, but also angry, resentful, and disillusioned as to who I really was.
This was in the morning and the rest of the day didn't really cheer me up. The rest of the day went by horribly, I was very unhappy, I felt violated, almost ripped apart and left helpless and alone. I felt very alone. And throughout the day I kept thinking about my life, where I was, where & how I wanted to be, and what I had to do to get there. I looked at my friends, the few I thought I had, and all the people around me, and doing all that made me come to a conclusion, that I was alone.
Alone in the world, alone in life. It made me think that I might always be alone. And that thought scared the hell out of me. It scared me more than anything I'd ever thought of before because being alone, and not having anyone else in the world to be with, to hold, to play with, to hug, for me was a sad, empty existence. I felt friendless, loveless, and soulless.
The day came to a night, and it just so happened that, that weekend I was going to go on a SEARCH trip/retreat with campus ministry. We were leaving at 6 O’clock and were going to a seminary in East Aurora. I met at the spot we were to meet at, at 6 and headed off. When we got there I was kind of excited, and started feeling a little better, but not great.
We spent the first few hours getting to know each other, and started some of the activities planned out for the weekend. At first every thing was great. I met a lot of new and God faring people, we talked about God, about ourselves, and really got to understand some things about faith. Like I said, the first night was great, we went to bed at midnight, and woke up at 7 the next day.
It was Saturday, and we had another fun filled day of activities ahead of us. We ate breakfast, finished some events, around 11ish, we went into the chapel. The whole group and we started another “fun” game. This game was designed to help us see how we view our religious & lively doings on day to day basis, and to prioritize our beliefs. We each had to take and place a card with a topic on it, in an order where we feel it falls from most important, to least important. So we did, and as we went around, everybody changed everybody’s cards in accordance to their opinions. And as we did this, I realized that nobody felt the same way that I did on a topic. Nobody related to my thoughts, or understood my beliefs, my opinions, nobody saw things in the same way I did. I got into arguments with most everyone there because they didn’t feel I made the right choices, they didn’t see what I was trying to get across, what I wanted to express. Which were my thoughts, my beliefs, my virtues; instead all they did was argue and ignore, insult and belittle, they wouldn’t even try and listen to my thoughts, or take into consideration my knowledge, my insights.
After that was over again I felt very abandoned, and very alone. I ate lunch with some priests that lived at the seminary, and went back to the house to do some more “fun” group activities. I felt very sad again, and didn’t even try to participate in the next game we did. And when it was over I ran upstairs, locked my door, and again (very emotional weekend) began to cry, I cried like I never cried before. I actually looked in the mirror at myself crying, and talked to myself, looking at truths of my life that are normally to sad, and I usually try to cover up. I looked at my crying, balling face, scrunched up and ugly and red, covered in tears, and said to myself, “nobody loves you, you are all alone, you’ll always be alone, and no body cares.” Then I actually fell down to the floor, on my knees, and prayed to God, said to God, “Help me,” “Give me a sign, show me a way, Help me.”
I actually fell down to my knees, arms together in the air, and invoked God unto my heart. And as I lay there crying on the floor, a girl came knocking on my door. This girls name was Cathy, a student at my school studying to be a nun. She knocked on my locked door, and asked if I was all right, I thought at first that it was an angel, and that God had actually directly answered my prayers. Again and again she knocked, until I got up the strength to answer her. Again she asked if I was all right. I said yes, even though I wasn’t, and she said that it was time to go downstairs, and asked to come in. So I told her to wait a minute because I didn’t want her to see me crying, went to the sink, turned on the water and washed my face over and over again, the water splashed down my sobbing nose, and I told myself to stop crying.
A minute later I let her in, and she asked me what was wrong, and I tried to tell her, but I just couldn’t. We went downstairs, and rejoined everybody else, but still nobody hugged me, or said they loved me, and I still felt very alone. It was 2 by now and we had a few more activities to do, until we got a little time to ourselves.
Finally we were given a little free time, to go and do whatever we wanted. Some people went to go play basketball, some people went for a walk around the lake, and I went on a walk out into the woods, all alone, completely by myself.
I started out still sad and alone, without a friend or love in the world. I began out headed across a field; I wanted to go to a tree up on top a hill in the distance on the horizon. So I walked to that tree, upon the hill, across the field. When I got to the tree I stood up there, above most everything else, at least from where I had just walked form. I looked around, and saw the seminary, the lake, and the sun in the distance, then I looked in back of me, and there I saw a trail. A dirt trail, and since I love nature and wanted to see a deer, I walked down the path, and followed it till it didn’t go anymore. The path ended at a road that went straight across, either to the left or to the right. So I did the only thing I ever do, I went straight across, off the trail, and into the untouched virgin woods. Walking through the forest felt invigorating, it was so beautiful, so alive, it was revitalizing. Deeper & deeper into the woods I walked taking in all of the beauty and splendor. And then the forest started getting mountain like. There were steep inclines, and rough drop offs. Still I kept on going down, and finding my way. I stopped to break off a stick from a branch on the ground, which I then used as a walking stick to hold my balance as to not fall going down the mountainside. The mountain gave five passes of walk where it was extremely steep and difficult to walk down. I took my time and went down each one continuously admiring the scenery before me. When I finally reached the bottom, I had another choice to make. The bottom was right on a river, and the river bank split two ways, either to the right or to the left, so I decided to walk along the left and try and find an accessible way down to the river. I walked & walked, loving every minute of it trying to find a way to the river.
I finally came upon a down let, where I went down, which led to the river, and there in the river was a bed of rocks sticking out to the point where they just miss getting wet. When I saw that I knew I had to get out there, so with a hop and a jump I made it out to the very furthest rock protruding from the river. Standing on that rock I felt alive, and at peace. At peace with nature, at peace with myself; it was almost like I was one with the river. I stood upon that rock spinning in circles looking around at the sky, the sun, the clouds, the river, and at all nature, and thanked God for all its beauty.
Now that weekend one of the things we were supposed to do was to write a letter to someone else telling them a message, relaying something nice to them, a thought of love. So I decided to write mine there, and send it down the river to hopefully go to someone who truly needs it, that will make someone else in despair see the truth, and love life. I took a candy bar, ate it, then wrote on the wrapper, everything I was feeling, and loved, and my hoping for someone to receive this and open their hearts to Love. Then I took a juice bottle, finished the juice, put the letter in the bottle and threw the letter in the bottle in the river and watched it float down stream.
That was done, and I decided that it was time to get back to the seminary. So I jumped back in the mud, and pulled myself back up the riverbank, and got a little dirty. I was back on the river bank, and headed back to where I came down, looked around one last time, took a deep breath, and started back up the mountain side. I climbed up the first of the Steeps, and was starting to go up the second when I heard a bird sing. It was a pretty song, a loud song, a song that echoed throughout the forest. I stopped and looked around for the bird, and as I did that I noticed that right around me was another little path, this one all grown in, covered in leaves, and branches. So I looked, couldn’t see the bird, so I just embraced the harmony of its song. Then I thought to myself, “God everything is so lovely, so right.” I decided to go down the path, to see where it went. I figured, that if I had to I could always go back, on the path and come back to here, and climb up the steep mountainside. I headed down the path taking in everything for the beauty it held. I walked down the path for a good while, when I came to a spot, a clearing in the trees, right adjacent to the path, that opened up and form it I could see in a heavenly view the river down below, and the other side of the mountain right across, and above that the clouds, and the sun, and the oh so beautiful colors that filled everything around me. I went to the edge, and stood there for God knows how long, gazing at every and all around me. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath and felt the Holy Spirit, the diviner angels of God surround and embrace me. I felt a strong wing kick up and en circle me, my very life, my soul. And the wind picked up my jacket, which was very heavy, and I lifted my arms, and raised my head, and heightened my senses, in a whirlwind of Gods absolute love, and empathy. It was as though I could feel Gods very presence, and unconditional love in me. I stood there and I watched the clouds, and watched the sun, and I watched every bird fly in the sky, playing, soaring, living.
After a while I started back on the path, now it was getting late, and soon it would be dark, and I thought o should probably head back to the start so I didn’t get lost, but then I thought to myself, I’m gonna keep on going down the path, and see where it takes me, and even if I don’t know where I’m going, it’s ok because God will guide me, and show me the way. So I walked down the path, I walked and walked, and finally came to a fork in the road. At the fork were two trails, a tiny, darker one, and a big, kept lighter one, and I thought to myself – which one should I go down? I thought about that poem by Robert Frost, ‘the Path not taken’, and I decided to take the smaller, apparently less traveled path, and with that I headed off.
I took that path for a good while, through dark in closings of trees, and brush. ‘til finally it ended too. Now I was at a cross roads, where there were a number of different paths to choose from, and a bunch of new ways I could take. There was a grouping of trails right in front of me, all big, and bright, and all to me at least, boring. Then I looked to my right and saw in back of me, a tiny bridge, running over a tiny stream, leading into a tiny trail that led over a hill. And I decided, what the heck, and set out for that bridge. I crossed the bridge, and started off on the tiny path ahead. Over the hill was a dale of swamp and mud, at first I wasn’t going to go through it, and then a thought struck me. An obscure & to an extent profound thought; this basin of mud and grime was the devil, and the devils working, and it would be right be scared and turn back, but I also believed that God was with me, and guiding me along his path, the right path.
I walked through the mud, and slop, and wet, but I didn’t get all that dirty, and right upon the other side, up another hill my path forged on. Now the path came to a tree, a tree with a green painted wheel barrel leaning upon it and a bench next to it. And the path ended. And beyond the tree and the path was rows of bushes, with a break in them that led into a big field, and I went into the field, I looked around, and took in that field for all that I could because it was a calm field, very quiet, very peaceful, not oftenly disturbed. It was enclosed all round by trees and bushes, and I walked to the end of that field to another row of bushes, and another opening. I went through to a new field, this new field was much more active than the previous one, much more alive, this field was a lot more bigger, and a lot more hilly. I ran through this one just because I felt like running, I ran up a knoll straight on deeper into the field. I ran, and ran, I thought this field had no end, but I didn’t care. It was so beautiful, so illustrious, so vivrant all I wanted to do was play in, and lay in the grass all ‘round. As I ran, I came upon a lake, not the lake that was back in the seminary, but a real lake, that was out in the forest, a beautiful lake, a mirror lake, that was as clear as the sky, and looked like a painting that I only see on TV, but it was real, it was there right in front of me. I stood looking at it, at all its beauty, at the absolute divinity it held, I stood there gaping in awe, my eyes misty with joy, from the plainness, the pure untouched clarity it revealed.
Then I looked around and I saw a truck parked beside the lake, and I saw hunters coming up a path, so I walked over to them, they said hi, then asked if I’d seen any quail, I hadn’t, so I asked them if they knew how to get back to the seminary. It just so happened that they were seminarians there, and they told me how to get back. “Just follow the field, and it’s right on the other side.” Then I asked them where the path led, they told me into the woods, and I asked if I could get back going through there too. They told me I could, but said the field was easier. I thanked them, said goodbye, and they drove off in their truck, back to the seminary.
I stood on the path a few minutes more, admiring nature, and that lake, then I set off, down the path and back into the woods. Still trusting in God and believing he’d show me the way. I walked down the path, deep back into the woods, and towards the left. I walked by old metal drums, and car parts, and bed springs, sticking out of the ground. I walked along the trail, climbing hillsides, jumping over dead fallen trees, and out through to another field, which led right to the seminary. As a matter of fact I could see the seminary right in front of me, about ½ a mile away.
So I started walking through the field, my last field, and as I was walking I felt like I was walking with someone. And I remembered that poem, ‘Footprints’, and for the first time in my life I knew that I wasn’t alone, that I was never alone, and that I was with somebody, with God. I knew that God was with me, and that he’s always with me, in good times and bad, when I’m happy and when I’m sad, and I knew that he loved me. Even when I think that nobody else does, God, is there, always loving, always there. So I kept walking, walking with God, occasionally looking back, trying to see another trail in the grass, another set of footprints, but they weren’t there. And then I remembered why – because just like in the poem, God was carrying me, carrying me through my whole beautiful, awakening adventure. Never letting me go, always taking me on the right path, pushing me to conquer evil, and find serenity and peace & beauty, in anyplace I go and anything I do. God is there always.
Then I walked back into the seminary, and looked around, but saw everything in a whole new, slightly fading light, I saw a bunch of people playing in the gym, and other people walking around in a big group around the seminaries lake. I went by the lake, on the other side, and laid down, by the water, watching the sunset, and the clouds above –fly away into the night, in effervescent hues of brilliant colors, slowly fade into the majestic evening sky.
The rest of the weekend went by perfectly, I told my story, and shared myself fully with everybody there. I met a wonderful girl, whom I admired & respected more than anyone else I’d ever met, I bonded with a few people, and in a sense, found God more so then I ever had before. Truly it was an opening, glorious weekend.
